Robert W Garlan, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Counseling § Psychotherapy
(716) 254-4554
142 Bidwell Parkway (at Elmwood)
Buffalo, NY 14222
Welcome to my “Thoughts” page. I hope you will find some of this interesting or educational, and that it addresses some questions or concerns you might have; but most of all I hope you get the feeling that I can understand you and what you might be going through. Not knowing your individual concerns, I have written in mostly general terms, avoiding specific problems, symptoms, or diagnoses. Nevertheless, if you read something here that describes you, that’s a good start. I do not think that we must agree on everything, but we should at least be able to have a conversation at a meaningful level. That is, after all, the basis of therapy.
This is a work-in-progress, and something of a "catch-all" page. I wanted a place where I could post ideas without having to integrate them into the entire website (which takes more time than you can imagine--I'm a therapist, not an IT guy). In time it will become better organized, so please bear with me. Should we meet, I would welcome feedback on what you found interesting, useful, annoying, or provocative, or to discuss anything here at greater length.
CAN A THERAPIST HELP?
IS THERAPY ONLY FOR THE “MENTALLY ILL?”
If you are looking for a therapist or counselor, it is probably for one or more of the following situations. All of these are good reasons to make use of a psychologist. However, many people feel that if they see therapist, it means they are “weak” or “sick.” I couldn’t disagree more. Consulting a professional in order to make your life better is taking responsibility for your own wellbeing and happiness. It is being unwilling to settle for the status quo. It is an investment in your life.
Do any of these describe you?
You may notice that I did not mention any “mental illness” or symptoms like depression, anxiety, anger, hallucinations, etc. That’s because whether you could receive a diagnosis or not is beside the point. If you are dissatisfied with some aspect of your life, that’s what is important. Any competent psychologist will help you address your mood or other psychological issues or illnesses, and offer a diagnosis if one is called for. What is more important (and more difficult) is being willing to change something. That’s where the work starts, and is half the battle. All of the above are good reasons to find a resource for change and use it. The question is, what holds you back?
WHAT HOLDS PEOPLE BACK FROM SEEKING PROFESSIONAL HELP?
There are plenty of good reasons not to seek help, and some of them are actually true! Much of the time, however, they are rationalizations that serve to cover a deeper fear or concern.
Take money, for example. It might certainly be the case that money is very tight and you simply cannot afford it. Frequently, however, it’s just a rationalization. If you stop to consider what you do have money for, it adds up pretty quickly. Therapy is not cheap, but it’s no more expensive than a vacation and it’s considerably less expensive than buying a new car this year instead of next year. Now imagine that you successfully addressed your issue and your life or relationships were better each day of your life? Which would be more valuable to you? A vacation or a car one year earlier, or feeling more alive and engaged, even at work?
It turns out that the same things that keeps people from seeking therapy often undermine therapy once it begins, so it’s a good question to ask. It’s also a terrific question to explore at the start of therapy, but that’s not much help if it keeps you out of therapy to begin with! I have never yet received a call that begins, “I don’t want to see a therapist. Can we meet and discuss it?”
SOME REASONS PEOPLE DON’T BENEFIT FROM THERAPY
(OR DON’T SEEK IT TO BEGIN WITH)
This might sound bad…
Okay, this might sound like I am blaming the victim. I’m not, but it might sound that way. Either changing your current state or feeling better about the things you cannot change is not the hard part of therapy. It might seem obvious that someone who is unhappy or even miserable would want to feel better—and of course they do. But most of the time, usually at a level just below consciousness, there are also motivations not to want to change, and they mostly fall into one of two categories. In professional jargon we call it “resistance,” but I prefer to recognize it as virtues or strengths (e.g., justice, self-sufficiency, self-esteem, self-protection, safety-seeking, endurance, tenacity) in conflict with other virtues or strengths (e.g., desire for a better life, concern for your impact on others, responsibility for your own welfare, facing reality, seeking knowledge or discovery, honesty, humility, ambition). If any of the following apply to you, congratulations, you’re human.
The first category has to do with process. You might be concerned about what you would have to do to change. Perhaps you fear what might happen if you were to let your feelings out, perhaps you feel self-conscious about talking to a therapist, perhaps you are afraid of what you might find out, or what your therapist will think of you. You might be concerned that you can’t do what’s needed. What if part of your problem comes from being afraid of doing or confronting something? Would therapy require you to do the very thing you have been trying to avoid? What if you put your heart into it and nothing came of it? Would that be too much disappointment to bear (leading to only a half-hearted effort)? If seeing a therapist helps, does that mean you are “sick” or "crazy?" It’s too much trouble. No one can understand me. I don’t want to be lumped in with all those who are really sick. My problems won’t be taken seriously (or, my problems aren’t serious enough).
Here’s a big one: Many of us secretly hope that someone will come along and make it all better. Someone will sense our pain and see our value, and take care of us. The whole point of being miserable is for someone to love us and want to help. How can you ever satisfy that fantasy if you help yourself?
Here’s one that may be particularly common in Western New York: Everyone else gets by just fine. I shouldn’t need any help. I should just suck it up and move on.
The second category is outcome. What would happen if you didn’t have your problem? What would it mean? Suppose a great harm has been done to you. If you did not feel bad, would that be letting the perpetrator off the hook? Would that mean the harm wasn’t real or wasn’t that bad? If you could feel better now, after spending all that time in misery, would that mean you have wasted a part of your life? What if you learned something that changed your life? If you can get yourself to feel better, does that mean that it’s your fault?
Here’s one that may sound strange, but if it is true for you, you will know what I’m saying: If I change, if I give up some aspect of myself, who will I be? Will I still be me? What if there is nothing there? (In general, fear of the unknown is often visceral. The trick is to turn fear into excitement.)
We all have some fear of the unknown, and we can all think of something bad that might happen. Imagine if we didn’t have that capacity? That’s why all therapy takes courage, and why psychologists put such a premium on establishing a sense of safety and collaboration. You have the strengths and abilities you need to improve your life. The problem that won’t go away just happens to hit you at your weak spot. A therapist can help you mobilize your strengths and put them in proper order so they aren’t working against each other. Psychotherapy is about bringing all the facets of your personality to act in concert.
Wanting things to be different and being willing to change are two different matters. But until you take your contrary motivations seriously, and give them the respect they are due, they will continually undermine your progress and keep you exactly where you are. That’s why one of the most important parts of therapy is coming to terms with what’s true for you as you are right now. Once you acknowledge both sides, you will be in a position to make a choice—accept the status quo or begin the process of change. No one will force you, you always have veto power.
Getting to “willing” and confronting your impasse is often a big part of therapy, and deserves as much attention as you require. If you and your therapist can establish a good “working alliance,” he or she will be able to help you come to the point of being willing to change, and then work with you to accomplish your goals. You do not have to worry about being pushed into something you are not ready for. Therapy always begins where you are, right now.